Funny Wedding Toasts

A Collection of Suggestions for Humorous Wedding Toasts and Related Quotes

A wedding speech, culminated with a toast, is possibly one of a few events where it is officially sanctioned for the speaker to deliver humours and the audience to laugh. You know you're not supposed to mock the ceremony by a hint of laughter because you will be suspected of being condescending of the holy matrimony and in contempt of church. And in many receptions, it would be considered undignified to giggle at the dancing and musical entertainment—unless it is obviously meant for an amusing performance—for doing so would be tiptoeing on the edge of a cultural insult.

So, when asked and tasked for delivering a wedding speech, especially as the best man or chief bridesmaid, you have the opportunity to provide a humorous, hilarious if you can, entertainment so that guests can use up some of the sumptuous meals they've relished and eaten and hosts can provide quality entertainment for a fraction, if any, of a professional comedian's fee.

But a really good speech, humorous or not, must come from real experiences and feelings shared by the bride and groom and the speaker. If the audience can share them too, it will be even better. But they don't need to; so long as they can empathise with the accounts in the speech, they will be a good audience and will laugh along and feel entertained. Your job then, to borrow a quip from a famous TV series turned films, should you accept it, is to mix and cook those experiences and accounts in such a way that they will come out from your pot a humorous speech and toast everyone will remember and cherish as one of a few most memorable events in their lives.

While the ingredients of your wedding speech are personal, some famous quotes might help punching it as your toast. The following are toast suggestions, some of which containing funny and hilarious quotes from professional comedians and writers, some others unknown. When introducing the writer, you may use the suggested words verbatim or your own depending on the audience's familiarity with the writer.

The links below are wikipedia entries of some of the writers quoted, for strengthening your background knowledge of them:

Mae West
Rita Rudner
Grouch Marx
George Bernard Shaw

By either the best man or chief bridesmaid:
Finally, I would like to congratulate both of you my dear friends, Claire and Clark, on having established two rings, engagement ring and wedding ring, and on planning to establish two more “rings”, suffering and labouring. For the first two, may the rings will always be with you. For the last two, may the “rings” come and go quickly.

By either the best man or chief bridesmaid:
It's time now for me to ask you all to toast with me for a newly wed couple, Edith and Edwin, and for their perfect understanding of how to run their lives from now on. Edwin has agreed not to run Edith's life. He has also agreed not to run his as well.

By the chief bridesmaid:
It is my pray for you, Fran, that Felix will be a better husband than your Dad to your Mom. And I pray that your future daughter will marry a better husband than Felix will be to you, and her daughter's better than hers. Here's to better husbands!

By the best man whose interests fall in the areas of abstract thinking:
Stephen, I now raise my glass to express my excitement in your struggles and success in marrying lovely Stephanie. I am excited because, as Socrates told his ancient Greek audience, you will be happy if she proves a good wife. But in case she slips, come to my club and become a philosopher. Everyone, to Stephanie and Stephen: may she be a good wife and he a jolly fellow.

By either the best man or chief bridesmaid:
Congratulations on your becoming husband and wife, Ben and Beth. Ben, as a sports fan, you know this truth. Rita Rudner, a female comedian, has said that men forget everything but women remember everything; it's the reason men need instant replays in sports. So, I tell you only one thing to remember. If your fights ever get heated, the magic three words are, “Yes, my dear.”

By either the best man or chief bridesmaid:
Maria and Martin, I salute you for your brave decision to venture a marriage life. Just remember, marriage is like a violin. When the melody is over, you're still left with strings. So enjoy your melody while it lasts, and keep each other's company with the strings.

By the best man:
You know, Thomas, if I am the best man today, why is that you're the one wed by Tamara? While it's impossible now to prove my worthiness for the title, I can find consolation in Grouch Marx's words that only one man out of a thousand is a leader of men; the other 999 follow women. So, here's a toast for you, Tamara, and you, Thomas, one of those nine hundred and ninety nine.

By the best man who is a sports fan:
Now, after having explained that you, Greg, unlike me, are not a sports fan, I would like to quote one of the best football players today, Ronaldo. He says the rewards for winning a World Cup are beyond any rewards sex can give. His reason: World Cup happens only every four years, but sex is a much more frequent event. So Greg, every time you're staying at home while all your friends are out watching a football match, remember Ronaldo's words.

By either the best man or chief bridesmaid:
Jen and John, I share your happiness in treading the path many other married couples before you have trodden. Yes, marriage is popular because, as George Bernard Shaw once remarked, it combines the maximum of temptation and the maximum of opportunity. Jen and John, your temptation has culminated because the opportunity is at its peak.

By the chief bridesmaid:
Lola, congratulations on your successful search and luck in finding Leo, because, as far as I am concerned, I share Rita Rudner's thought and saying that all men are alike except the one you've met who's different.

By either the best man or chief bridesmaid:
Daniel, my prayers to you and your lovely wife, Dorothy. It is a relief to know that you have taken the CPR classes because Dorothy seems to suffer from the same ailment as Jimmy Durante's wife. His wife, he said, had a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stopped to breathe.

By the chief bridesmaid, when the groom is an athlete or sports fan:
Rita, I am extremely delightful, almost ecstatic, today that you have taken Ronald as your man. The reason is not only because a good man is hard to find, but, as Mae West had found out, a hard man is good to find.

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